Why Superman should become a Canadian:
1. Superman’s home, the Fortress of Solitude, is usually located in icy, desolate areas, which we have in abundance. And, like Michael Moore so famously pointed out in Bowling for Columbine, Canadians don’t lock their doors, so Superman can finally ditch that giant yellow key nonsense.
2. We love immigrants and Superman is the ultimate immigrant! Also, in Canada we respect traditional immigrant garb, so Superman’s Kryptonian-inspired super-snug ensemble is totally fine by us. We will not laugh at his outside-the-pants underwear choice. We swear.
3. When teens backpack through Europe they proudly display Canadian flag patches on their gear, even if they’re not from Canada. A couple of patches on Superman’s outfit and he’ll be totally welcomed everywhere, no longer a “tool of the American oppressors,” just “that nice man from Canada who shoots fire from his eyes.”
4. Superman was co-created by a Canadian, Joe Shuster! After 73 years of belonging to America, he could at least spend a year or two here. Out of respect for the man who first drew him.
5. A lot of Canadians work in the United States! Superman could totally keep his job at the Daily Planet. But, if he so chose to continue his journalistic career here in Canada, the Post is hiring (not really. Please don’t send us your résumé, Jimmy Olsen).
6. Superman was raised to be polite, which we value greatly here in Canada. Frankly, we were relieved when that potty-mouth Wolverine moved from Canada to the States. That guy has no manners.